More Non-Originality- But It Is FUNNY!!

Flatulence leads US jet to divert

An American Airlines plane made an emergency landing in Nashville after passengers reported the smell of sulphur from burning matches.

The matches were found on the seat of a woman who had attempted to conceal the odour of flatulence with the matches, Nashville airport authorities said.

All 99 passengers and five crew left the plane while it was searched.

The woman was questioned by the FBI but released without charge and allowed to board another American Airlines flight.

"It was determined that she was trying to conceal body odour," said Lynne Lowrance of the Nashville Airport Authority.

She had "no malicious intent but had struck matches which is against [Transport Security Administration] rules," Ms Lowrance said.

The unidentified woman had an unspecified medical condition, Associated Press news agency said.

She was carrying safety matches, which the TSA allows in carry-on luggage.

The matches are not allowed to be struck, however.

THESE IDIOTS DON'T GIVE UP !!!!

Omega Lottery

Nov 22

FROM: THE DESK OF THE PROMOTIONS MANAGER, INTERNATIONAL PROMOTIONS/PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT

WINNING NOTIFICATION

Dear: Sir/Madam

We are pleased to inform you of the announcement today, 22/11/2006, of winners of the Global Mega Lottery South Africa/International Program, held on 30th/09/ 2006 as part of our promotional draws. Participants were selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 2,500,000 email addresses of individuals and companies from Africa, America, Asia, Australia, Canada, Europe, Middle East, and NewZealand as part of our electronic business Promotions Program. You qualified for the draw as a result of you visiting various websites we are running the e-business promotions for. You/Your Company, attached to ticket number 100-309-7482, with serial number 513-10 drew the luckynumbers 2,9,22,23,24,30, +5 and consequently won in the Second Category.

You have therefore been approved for a lump sum pay out of US$1,950,000.00 in cash, which is the winning payout for Second category winners. This is from the total prize money of US$13,650,000.00 shared among the Seven international winners in the Second category.

CONGRATULATIONS!

Your fund is now deposited with the Global Mega Lottery Finance and Company insured in your name. Due to the mix up of some numbers and names, we ask that you keep this sectrely from public notice until your claim has been processed and your money remitted to your account. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by participants of this program. We hope with a part of your prize, you will participate in our end of year (2006) high stakes US$1.3 billion International Lottery.

To begin your claim, please contact your claim agent immediately. MR. Richard Baloyi Foreign Service Manager, Universal Building, 132 - 133 Park Hurst Balfour - Unite 1440 Johannesburg, Gauteng 2001 South Africa.

TEL: 27-7-3032-1594

FAX: 27-11-507 518

Responding Email Address: raloyilottoza1@yahoo.co.uk OR

rbaloyilottoza001@yahoo.co.uk

For due processing and remittance of your prize money to a designated account of your choice. Remember, you must contact your claim agent not later than 20th- 12- 2006. After this date, all funds will be returned as unclaimed. NOTE: In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please remember to quote your reference and batch numbers provided below in every one of your correspondences with your claims agent. REFERENCE NUMBER: FLS-ZR39-825P-4, BATCH NUMBER: 74-263-BBN.

Congratulations once again from all our staff and thank you for being part of our promotions program.

Sincerely,

The Promotional Manager

Global Mega Lottery Pty Ltd

Universal Buildiing, 132 - 133 Park Hurst Balfour - Unite 1440 Johannesburg, Gauteng 2001 N.B. Any breach of confidentiality on the part of the winners will result to disqualification. Please do not reply to this mail box. Contact your claims agent through his email contact above.

Dear purpleshunshinethings,

I know spam is supposed to be trashbinned and forgotten, but this lot is ridiculous.

And I'm trying to raise consciousness against this effing crap here!!

But you know, some mornings I just wake up and dream that all this wasn't fraudulent dogpoop. Who doesn't want to be a multibillionaire?

But I wonder why all this seems to come from the dark continent. South Africa, Nigeria... Don't the boys have decent jobs there? Or, don't tell me, this is too easy money? Are all Americans stupid? Should I change my gmail location to Tanzania? Maybe they'll give me a break, think I'm just some Masai yokel or a long lost drug-dealing brother...

Bewildered,

viatormagnus.

High Alert: Bad Guys Got Your Email Address!!

Anybody been getting ridiculous email lately?

I got two a couple of weeks ago. "The Euro-Afro Sweepstakes Lottery", one of them announced, "has published its list of winners for the month of October, and you were on the top!! And we are proud to announce that our prize amount has been increased to US$25 million!!"

The other said "Dear Karl, we write to you with no little pleasure to announce that the South Africa World Cup 2010 Sweepstakes Lottery results for the second quarter of 2006 are out, and you're a winner! Please contact our agent immediately with your bank account no. and other information to gather your winnings!"

No, I'm not dumb. Didn't fall for either.

But I did look those two up on fraud.com. Apparently they are certain USA and Nigeria (didn't know they had computers there) based frauds who take your account number and your credit card data and rob you blind. Included was the story of a nincompoop from Alabama who had lost $54000 in the bargain.

And if that wasn't bad enough, I got this one today. Read up.

From: Willem Micheal

Reply Email: willemmicheal@myway.com.

TREAT AS URGENT/CONFIDENTIAL.

Dear,

In our search for a trustworthy individual to work with us on a very important and confidential project, we came across your profile in The British Chambers of Commerce and Industries, here in THE UNITED KINGDOM.

My name is Willem Micheal, Principal Executive Officer, and Audit Department with HSBC BANK here in The United Kingdom. During the yearly preliminary in-house auditing of accounts, I discovered an account opened in 2000 and since 2004 has remained dormant and has not been operated till date. The total amount in this account is £2.5Million Pound Sterling less accrued interest.

Working In-collaboration with the Audit Manager, we decided to investigate this account for more information. We discovered that the owner of this account, a foreigner has died intestate leaving no heirs or next of kin who could make a claim.

Presently, we are the only two people in our organization with access to this information and we have decided to keep it that way and claim the money for ourselves using a third party who will take the place of the deceased (next of kin). We will supply the necessary information on the deceased and ensure that the claim application is giving immediate approval. Documents like the death certificate will be arranged and forwarded to you for onward submission to the bank.

The project is risk-free, as we will use contacts that hold strategic positions in the bank to effect a successful completion of the project and also ensure that all traces of our mutual involvement are completely wiped off. These presents no problem as all documented evidence will be directly under their supervision.

We have earmarked a commission of 30% of the total amount for you. The remaining 70% you will help us invest in profitable Stocks and Shares in your country. We would like to get your decision to this proposal as soon as possible. On receipt of your decision, we will fax or email you explicit details of the already completed groundwork on this project.

You can contact me at all times on the above information. willemmicheal@myway.com. +44-703 186 2094 Tel/+44-870 974 2431 Fax

Regards,

Willem Micheal.

Ha ha!!

Now, are any of you getting any of this nonsense, or am I so ugly that local crooks think I'd be someone bad enough to be the next great Bandit-King or something??

I guess this is what you do when you're, erm, tagged?

Do I have to do this??

Aw, c'mmon!!

Damn, this is hard work. I have such a silly little life.

Here goes. I hope I have embarrassed myself already.

1. Having a lie-in. It's something I do a few times a week. It is a nice feeling having your mum holler the time in your face.

2. I'm a mad gamer. I have about a couple of hundred of them cd's and stuff in the stuffed "almari" of mine my mom goes mad at the sight of.

3. Reading everything but Forensic Medicine and the like. I mean, I do need rest, although I rarely work.

4.Disturbing my cat's sang-froid. He is a shapeless glob of fat that lies around all day and only shows signs of life when he smells food, or when he feels my fingers twisting his ears. Then he goes really bonkers and chases me around the house. (Yes, that's right, I have a lousy life. I get chased by an abysmally fat cat.)

5.Laughing. Sometimes I don't do it at all, and sometimes I overreact. But it invariably gives me bronchospasm.

6.Telling people off. I think I do this rather well. Skill anybody needs to survive in salesman-infested territory.

7. Eating. I'm no connoisseur, but I like nourishing myself. And I know good grub when I see it.

8. Making high-flown plans about anything under the sky. Studies. Exercise. Diets. Whatnot.

9. Giving up on the above about thirty seconds after I'm started.

10. Listening to anything as long as I can call it music. I like experimentals. And I like composing stuff myself. No ambitions,though.

I guess that's the correct format. I actually like ten things about my life? Hey, that's a real boost for my self-esteem, you know!

Back After A While And Blabbing About America

Bush-basher-extraordinaire though I am, I believe that George was not the only reason why the American Foreign Policy has ecdysed into the current form. And though Democrats are known to be genuine “softies” in their dealings with the world at large, I don’t see any new patterns emerging.

Without wasting time referring to the clichéd demise of the Soviet Union and the creation of a unipolar world, I would ask the reader to put himself/herself into a self-simulated imaginary global state where he/she runs an economically and industrially omnipotent nation. We would not need reminders from old father Time on the subject of crumbling empires. That, as GWB (referred henceforth as “the Gawb”) liked to say, woood be toow awbvius.

Then, I would not bother to ask the reader if he/she finds the current situation desirable, for identical reasons. I mean, who doesn’t like to be God?

And then, I would stifle the question on the tip of my tongue-of course you’d like to keep it this way.

And then I would ask the reader to look at America. A nation that realizes the power of the moment. A nation that realizes that every single move counts. That when you have the dream of staying at the top till the cows come home (the Texan quality of the metaphor being not entirely unintended), you have to get your clothes dirty. Good business ain’t clean business. As the Gawb knows too well.

The U S of A has understood long ago that the prime power source of the third planet is scheduled to run out about a century and a half or less from date. This gives them an excellent target. They have been doing dirty business in oil for ages, giving the Middle Eastern Royal Families everything that their hearts weakened by years of debauchery could desire, establishing themselves as preferred customers and “security-providers” wherever they found the soil fertile to sow.

And now they reap. America has been the world’s largest automobile manufacturing and buying nation for ages. Producing the most pollutants, guzzling the most “gas” (I guess they call petrol that because they get it to evaporate so fast), driving the most miles and producing the most award-winning environment savvy television programmes.

And they have knocked a decade or three off that “out of fuel” deadline. Beneath America lie moderately large reservoirs of oil. Untapped. They will be struck when the deserts of Arabia have run truly dry. Enough to help them survive till something else is found for dinner.

So they may come up with alternatives soon. Being the world’s largest users of cars, if they are faced with a “convert or run dry” scenario, they would snap up any alternative energy source. And achieve control of either its source or the technology required to tap it. Oh it would be popular soon enough. I heard a shopkeeper in the Mina Bazar in New Delhi say this-“You can sell anything to an American as long as you talk really nice.”

And so economic domination would continue.

Why did America attack Iraq? The Gawb says bad intelligence. The New York Times says to gain control of Iraqi oil dealing. The stupid Catholic says to destroy infidels forever. Saddam Hussein says Allahuakbar.

What would the reader have done to maintain control over a region whose internal politics have begun to take the situation out of hand? Whose leaders, annoyed by attacks on their “brothers” the Taliban, stifled under fundamentalist elements, threatened by war in Israel and Iraq, were gradually beginning to dislike the idea of selling to America entirely? Plant “intelligent bombs” in Iraq? Provide “humanitarian intervention” in Kosovo? Supply “aid” to “war-torn” Israel?

And then, produce a large-scale invasion of Iraq. Shoot Cruise Missiles from destroyers in the Gulf onto Saddam’s blazing palace. Finance Sunni terrorists and revolutionary Shiites. They have played these games for ages.

The effect on the surrounding oil-selling nations? Great Scott! Look at what the streets of Baghdad look like. He did it just basing on “bad intelligence”? Gadzooks! I might be staring up at a bloody nukeheaded ICBM coming down on top of my head next afternoon because the Gawb doesn’t like my beard and Rumsfeld doesn’t approve of hizaab. Damn. I’ll shave tomorrow and give my ninety-seven wives orders to wear G-strings 24-7!!

As Chomsky likes to say- “There’s nothing like the iron hand. The dynamic is very familiar.”

America? Change? Cockroaches don’t need evolution.

S_O_S

Ever had that feeling that you were neither here nor there?

That your head can't dream up anything more substantial than clouds to further unsight the mindcam? That your brain had somehow, erm, "gone fuzzy"?

That the most shameful of memories keep coming back to your head to torment you whenever you are off guard? Like the last line I typed brought back uncomfortable memories of that Potty old literary catastrophe, to be more accurate, of wrackspurts.

And spectrespecs.

(shudders)

The depths to which I can sink!

It is foggy, by Jove it is, in this limbo! And my malfunctioning memory isn't helping, either. Right now an Eton-and-Harrow accent is merrily reciting Roald Dahl in my head - "It clogs and clutters up the mind/ It makes a boy so dull and blind/ That he can no longer understand.."

No, I haven't been watching too much TV.

I mean, nothing except Manchester United blowing Newcastle apart.

I must fight.

But fight what?

Fog?

Can't.

Ennui?

Mind too numb. Can't even feel bored.

Memories of ghastly literature??

Yes! Yes!! Kripesies yes!!!!

Good book, anyone? Anything! Even ones I have read a hundred times over. I can't see anything in this solid fog. I need a good hard bash on the head.

I'm running. Running through neverending fog. Running a nerverending run. I need a brick wall to run into.

Make the wall very hard, please!!

A Memorable Evening In Marseilles

(It is dark in the streets of Marseilles. A chill, rainy November evening. Clouds drift across the leaden skies, revealing darker clouds above, and the occasional glittering forked, red lightning.
Outside the shabby cafe a man waits.
A bald man.
A dark man.
A fat man.
Wearing a dark overcoat.
Dripping from the rain.
He must be cold.
He is, he's shivering.
A can, an empty can, that once contained tinned fish, rolls up to him.
He's startled.)

Fat Man:(mutters) Qu'est-ce que c'est que ca?

(He looks down both sides of the lane.)
Fat Man:J'ai froid.

(yawns)
Fat Man:Je m'ennuie.

(shuffles)
Fat Man:Je dois y' aller.

(Another figure appears around a bend. This one, too, wears a black overcoat. But he has an umbrella. And a briefcase.
He walks up to the Fat Man.)

Briefcase Guy:Bonsoir.

Fat Man:(nods silently)

B.G.:Parlez-vous anglais?

F.M.:Je parle anglais.

B.G.:I know it's rather late, but I need to get to Nantes.

F.M.:(Dismissively)You can try the train.

B.G.:The Reactor?

(Lightning flashes again.
The Fat Man notices that the Briefcase Guy has a pale face.
That his ears are pointy.
That his canines are long and bright. And sharp.
That his irises are red.
That his pupils are slits.
And, that his smile freezes your bones.)

F.M.:(suddenly recognizes B.G. and screams) Non! Mon Dieu! Non! Non!

B.G.:Oui. Tu comprends. Je suis de Russia. Je m'appelle Comte Karl Nikolaiyevitch Burokoff.

(The Fat Man pulls out a cross.
Count Burokoff pulls out a badge.
It says "M.I.666" !
The cross splinters into a million small fragments.)

C.K.N.B:(mocks F.M.)Mon Dieu! Mon Petit Dieu! Tchah!

(The Fat Man faints. Count Burokoff sinks his canines into his left internal jugular.)

C.K.N.B.:(winces)Dirty French. Even the blood stinks. Pooh!Pah!Thoo! Yuck!

(Wipes his mouth on the Fat Man's scarf. Retches in disgust.)

C.K.N.B.:Cheap eau-de-cologne!! I hate cheap eau-de-cologne!!

(Pulls out a little glowing green glass cylinder from the Fat Man's overcoat's inner pocket)

C.K.N.B.:Mission accomplished.

F.M.:(Has come around. Is befuddled by the vampire's spell. Smiles a bleary smile) It looks much better in your hands, Master.

C.K.N.B.:Oui, oui..

(He's got a satellite phone held against his cold face. His lips are still making silent spitting movements..)

C.K.N.B.: Agent 007 please, operator.

(Continues spitting movement as the operator transfers the call, then abruptly stops..)

C.K.N.B.: James? This is Karl...(smiles)..yes, MI.666 Himself...yes, do keep a girl ready in London...Spanish, yes, French blood is starting to bore me...oh yes, of course, I have it in the palm of my hand..oh, the French butler? He's standing right here...wonderful race, the French. Make better butlers than Englishmen, I assure you...What? Are you mad James? Me in the papers? There are Catholics in Britain, you don't usually see them, but they're there. I don't want more garlic in my mailbox, please! You take credit for this one too...So nice of you... A French butler for you, too?...That can be arranged...No, not the Queen's plane, I prefer flying like I usually do...Yes, it's my kind of weather, too..

(Looks down the street, searching for Bond's new butler.)

This is an alter-ego. For more by Count Karl Nikolaiyevitch Burokoff, please visit Fantastic Figments Of Fiction.

promotional article

Worst Pickup Lines

Well, no vulgar posts have blighted this blog yet, but here's a try. These are meant to be funny. And I did not make them up. I will confess that I have not the talent. And in case you don't like 'em, you can play one of them three monkeys and see no evil!


1. Hi, I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I’d certainly like to make your bed rock.

2. Would you believe me if I told you I’m an angel and God sent me down here on a special
mission just to give you a kiss?

3. Let’s do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?

4. If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put you between f and ck.

5. You look yummy. You must bring new meaning to the word "edible".

6. Nice shoes, do you want to fuck?

7. I’ve heard that sex is a killer. Do you want to die happy?

8. I would like you to attend my party; and then we can also invite your pants to come down

9. Hi, my name’s Karl. Remember it, you’ll be screaming it later tonight!

10. Hey baby are you wearing your space underwear tonight? Because your ass is out of this
world!

12. Hey sexy. How would you like to join me in doing some math? Let’s add you and me, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and then multiply.

13. Hi, you outfit looks really cute. But it would look even cuter wrinkled up on my bedroom
floor.

14. Hi, let me interrupt you for a moment. The word of the day is "legs." Let’s go back to my
place and spread the word.

15. Hi,have you got a little Irish/German/Spanish/Italian/etc. in you? Do you want
some? (inexplicable - I know)

16. Want to come see my hard drive? I promise it isn’t 3.5 inches and it ain’t floppy.

17. I’m an organ donor, and I have an organ you might need.

18. Gorgeous hair. But it’d be even better brushing against my thighs.

19. Wanna play carnival? That’s where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight.

20. If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

21. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can’t take them off you.

22. Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

23. I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and your name was included.

24. Excuse me, can you give me directions to your heart?

25. Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?

26. Excuse me, do you have a quarter I can borrow? I told my mother that I would call her
when I fell in love with the girl of my dreams!

27. This is your lucky day, because I just happen to be single.

28. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

29. I lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?

30. Congratulations! You’ve been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room" and the grand
prize is a night with me!

31. Are you religious? Because I’m the answer to your prayers.

32. Are your legs tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.

33. Is your dad a baker? Because you sure have got great buns.

34. Was you father an alien? Because there’s nothing else like you on earth!

35. Did heaven lose a couple of angels? ’Cause I can see them bouncing around in your shirt!